January 18th - Behemoth

Behemoth - “any creature or thing of monstrous size or power”

The thing IN the film, sure. The film itself, perhaps not.

Behemoth is a TV film that premiered on SyFy in 2011. The same year and channel that bought us, well, not much. I guess 2011 wasn't their year for premieres. Generally speaking, I'm a big fan of what SyFy airs, but this wasn't their best effort.

Behemoth is all about an ancient creature that was laying dormant under the Earth's surface but for an unknown reason woke up and decided to cause panic in a small town at the foot of a dormant volcano by creating earthquakes, tremors and the like.

Throughout the film, we are granted with a simple storyline (the volcano looks like it's about to blow! UT OH!), some glaringly bad special effects, a few instances of overacting, and plenty of exaggerated screams. Personally, I think this would have been better suited to a series (or even mini-series), as there was plenty to expand on – the CO2 clouds, the submerged diner, the Smoking Man's theories --- Yes, the Smoking Man from the X-Files is in this ---, some kind of explanation about the weapon. I get that there was supposed to be a sense of urgency, but what I was watching was far too laid back for something that could destroy the world at any given moment. I wasn't drawn in to the story, couldn’t' relate or form a bond with any of the characters, and found I could concentrate while doing other things. To me, these are the things you need to get right for a successful film. There was a good idea behind the scenes, but the execution was lackluster. Aside from the aforementioned screaming, the acting wasn't that bad, and I expect Ed Quinn to go on to bigger and brighter things.

Something to have on in the background while... I don't know... doing the ironing or something. 2 volcanoes out of 5

Trailer --- IMDB

January 17th - Zathura (PG)

The unofficial sequel to Jumanji, Zathura follows the same pattern that made Robin Williams' jungle adventure so charming.

Danny (Jonah Bobo) and Walter (Josh Hutcherson) are bickering brothers who are bored as anything when they are left under the 'supervision' of their sister Lisa (Kristen Stewart). Danny finds a board game called 'Zathura' and convinces Walter to play it with him. When they discover that their house has been transported to outer space, things start to get weird. Walter decides that the only way home is to finish the game, so they continue playing amidst the distractions the game throws at them. Along the way, they meet 'the stranded astronaut' (Dax Shepard), who helps them fend off against the lizard-like Zorgons.

I'm not going to say anything mean about this film. Sure there were bits that didn't make sense, but it's a kids movie, and what matters is that it is enjoyable to watch, not how factually correct it is. So Just like Jumanji, once the boys start to play the game, they encounter certain phenomena, mostly dangerous and have to overcome or outlive it to proceed. These events are exactly what I thought space travel would be like when I was a kid, meteors, robots, lizard aliens, so I kind of reverted back to a child whilst watching. Whilst being 12 again, I thoroughly enjoyed the movie for what it was – a fun space adventure with nothing pressuring me to criticize it.

Even though it was a fine waste of 2 hours, it suffered the fate of being released in the same year as Toy Story, and also 4 years after Monsters Inc. This meant it had to compete against the already dominating Disney/Pixar combo who have grasped a firm handle on being the most predominant childrens/family movie makers. Even so, Zathura manages to keep you entertained all the way through with it's child-like charm and quirky story. Even Kristen Stewart was on form when she gets frozen and has to be replaced with a life-size model. Some of her best work there!

All in all, a pleasant journey back to my childhood. - 3 spaceships out of 5

Trailer --- IMDB

January 16th - Brick (15)

Um... What did I just watch?

It's kind of hard to review something that I didn't understand, but I'll give it a go. Brendan (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) finds the dead body of his girlfriend at the entrance to a sewage tunnel and goes on the hunt to find out what happened to her. Something happens and he gets involved in a drug ring.

Oh. And it's all set at a high school with students.

For most of the film I was trying to figure out if he was a student or a detective, and if it takes me that long to understand what the main character’s deal is, maybe I shouldn't be watching. Even though I was having trouble following, I couldn't stop, no matter how much I wanted to. Maybe it was the brass-jazz playing, or the old-school detective show voices, but whatever it was, it drew me in. Even after reading the plot synopsis and an FAQ on the film, I'm still a little stumped.

Do not be disheartened though. JGL was fantastic, and the music was extremely enthralling, so give it a go if you like crime/drama/mysteries.

I'm not entirely sure what to make of this one. - 1 brick out of five because I had zero clue what was going on.

Trailer --- IMDB

January 15th - Hostel: Part 3 (18)

A straight-to-video threequel.

This sounds like it's going to be an amazing film, right? Nope.

Hostel 3 follows a dude and his 3 friends on his stag weekend or something. I don't know. The film wasn’t' that interesting so I didn't pay too much attention. We all know what happens next. Yup. They end up as prey for the EHG. This is the only connection to the Hostel franchise as this film takes place in Las Vegas and doesn't have backpacking teens in it.

As the third re-enactment of the same story, I'll keep this short. Very short.

• Not much gore
• Bad acting
• Boring
• Characters were not believable
• VERY cheesy ending
• No bubblegum boys

I guess that's what you get for not having Eli Roth on staff.

Don't bother watching, even of you are a fan of 1+2. - 2 crutches out of 5

Now that's out the way, I can better spend my time eating hobnobs and watching cat videos on Youtube.

Trailer --- IMDB

January 14th - Hostel: Part 2 (18)

Meh.

If anyone has seen Cruel intentions and it's sequel (which is actually it's prequel), you'll be seeing quite a few similarities here. Hostel 2 is basically the same as it's predecessor in a different place and with different characters.

Three college girls (Ugh. College kids again) are on a trip to prague when they hear about the beautiful relaxing spas of Slovakia. They decide to go and end up on the wrong end of the Elite Hunting Club. Not much can be said about this film that I haven't already said about its prequel, except that it isn't executed as well.

What is new however, is that we get to see the other side of the shady goings-on. Hostel 2 shows us how the 'doctors' are called in. Stuart and Todd are two brothers who bid on the girls and win Beth and Whitney, respectively. As first time clients, they are branded with the bloodhound tattoo as part of the contract and called in when the girls arrive. Todd sticks a circular saw in Whitney's head, but that doesn't quite kill her. He realises what he has done and decides he's 'out'. Unfortunately for him, the the part of the contract he didn't read is 'kill or be killed'. Stuart on the other hand, tried to to rape Beth before he does the deed, but she breaks loose and ties him up, threatening to cut off his 'old mister' unless the EHC let her go. She tries to buy her way out, but the club's boss lady tells her about the clause Todd breached. So Beth snips Stuart's kerjigger and feeds it to the dogs, letting him bleed to death. This initiates Beth as a member of the EHC, granting her a tattoo and she is set free. The bubblegum boys are back too, although with a smaller role, and are shown to be quite accustomed to death. In the first movie, we see then cave in a man's skull with a rock. In this instalment, they do not even flinch when one of their own is shot and seem far to happy playing football with a freshly severed head.

Another torture-porn flick with less torture then the first, and probably less porn too. I guess if you're on a horror marathon it would make sense to watch this straight after the first, especially as the fate of Paxton from Hostel 1 is revealed in the opening scene, but other than that, once again, meh.

Only really worth the watch if you're a completist and like sequels. - 3 wieners out of five

Trailer --- IMDB

January 13th - Hostel (18)

First off, let me recommend not watching this if you plan to go backpacking and are prone to paranoia/suspicious/a wimpy little baby.

Hostel is a gritty tale of how dangerous backpacking can be.

The film follows three friends, Paxton, Josh and Oli, on their travels backpacking around Europe. When they get locked out of their hostel in Amsterdam because they missed curfew they crash at a local dude's house who tells them of a hostel in Slovakia where the women are into American men. Maybe the men will be 'into' the women to, if you catch my drift, wink wink, nudge nudge. On the train there, they meet a creepy German businessman who is obviously part of the plot. When they get to the hotel and check-in, they are told they only have semi-private rooms and will have to share.

Enter dis-hearted looks all round.

This changes when they find out their room-mates are semi-clothed girls who invite them to the spa. After a night out with the girls, Oli disappears and Paxton and Josh are told he has already checked out. When the same thing happens to Josh, Paxton starts to get suspicious. When he finds out that they have been taken to an abandoned building where people pay to torture and kill travellers, he himself gets caught and 'put in the doctors chair' so to speak. He eventually escapes when his 'doctor' accidentally chops his own leg off with a chainsaw (who didn't see that coming?)

Once again this is another film that follows the horror/thriller line of 'friends go to a remote locale, start to disappear one by one and only one of them gets out alive'. I'm not really a fan when the same thing gets used over and over again, but this time, I quite enjoyed it. Instead of college kids going somewhere nobody their age would ever go (see Cabin in the Woods) and murdered by freaks, inbreds, zombies or whatever, being tortured by normal* people is a refreshing take on the subject. Refreshing may not be quite the right word to use here, but you know, whatever. Also the word normal. The fact that this could (and probably has) happen is the allure of the film. I always slight films on their reality and authenticity, and even though there are things that happen in Hostel that seem a little farfetched, I think that the idea behind it was extremely solid. From the cops being paid off to ignore what was happening to the gang of street kids, the whole flick seemed believable and scarily possible.

As I wasn't watching something that could blow me away in the action-packed way, I was close to being blown away by the realness. Again, when I say realness, I'm talking about the possibility of it happening opposed to the film itself being true to life. That said, I was drawn in and at points, watching with baited breath. The gore level was not up to Saw standards, but you do see things cut off, hanging out and caved in, so not one for the faint-hearted.

Oh yeah. Takashi Miike randomly appears in it too.

Not something to watch as a random film, but a fine addition to a horror library. - Three and a half fingers out of five

Trailer --- IMDB

Not agaiiiiiiiiin!

I know, I know. I'm doing it again. I went out today and didn't leave myself enough time to watch a film. I could try to review something I've watched already, but that's kind of a cop out.
Sooooooooooooo.
I'm going to do two again tomorrow. I promise this will be the last time I cheat like this. Pinky swear.

Peace.