WARNING: SPOILERS AHEAD
WARNING: TL;DR ALERT
Where to start, where to start? How
about I WANT THE LAST HOUR AND A HALF OF MY LIFE BACK. There were
just so many things that put me off this movie. I nearly didn't even
bother writing a review because of how unimpressed I was. Read the
reviews on Rotten Tomatoes. I dare you. Then watch the film. Or
watch, then read. I'm not fussed. I don't understand how it became
'critically acclaimed' or 'An instant classic'. Don't get me wrong, I
love Joss Whedon, but not this. The plot was never fully explained
until like 5 minutes before the end where Sigourney Weaver makes a
surprise appearance as the big boss lady from behind the scenes, just
like she did in Paul, by which time I was struggling to remember what
had happened. OWAITIREMEMBER. 5 college kids go to a cabin for spring
break or whatever, get killed off one by one, leaving the main
character and the stoner to find out they were in some kind of ritual
and that they all have to die otherwise the elder gods will rise and
destroy the Earth. Sound familiar? Though so. Except that elder gods
thing. Not so much that. Anyways. Enough of the ranting.
I guess you want to know what the movie
is about, right? Well, aside from the traditional 'group of kids in a
secluded place getting killed off one by one', there is a mysterious
group of... scientists(?) who have to complete a ritual sacrifice
annually or the elder gods will rise and destroy the earth. The 5 who
are 'chosen' go to the cabin's basement where there are assorted old
trinkets and knick-knacks, and whichever one they unwittingly 'chose'
will decide their fate. They choose 'zombie redneck torture family'
and end up getting beheadded and stuff. Things happen, blah blah
blah, the main character gets saved by her friend who she thought was
dead and they enter the control room, releasing all the
monsters/killers/angry molesting tree to wreak havoc. They enter the
ritual chamber where the plot gets explained. The stoner has to die
or the whole world dies. Main character pulls a gun on him, so he
lets her get mauled by a werewolf. Still following? Here's the twist.
The good bit. The most astute scene in the entire film. He doesn't
die. Nope. He sits there and lets the world end. Not even the main
character gets out alive. You'd expect them to get out somehow,
right? Crawl into a cubby hole until the monsters eat each other and
the torrential downpour of elder god wrath had dissipated? Nope. They
sit there and get turned into pancakes by a giant hand. The. End.
OK. I lied. There's still a little more
ranting.
- When the guy took a bear trap to the spine and walked it off like nothing happened.
- The unicorn does not gore people with its horn. It's a regal and majestic creature that frolics in meadows. It's not a lean, mean, stomach piercing machine.
- Why do the monsters not attack each other?
I think that's it. I hope that's it. I
don't want to lose readers on the 4th day! Come back
readers! I promise to be nice tomorrow!
Joss, if you're reading this, I still
love ya buddy. Keep doing what you do best. This is just one guys
opinion of one film.
Even though there isn't much
explanation as to what the film is about, I'd still recommend this to
horror/thriller fans out there as there are tonnes of easter eggs and
references to classic films and even Left4Dead. - 2 zombie hands out
of 5
Trailer (15) --- IMDB
#bringbackfirefly
