January 9th - The Cottage (2008) (18)

A kidnapping gone wrong turns into a mass murder in an abandoned cottage in the middle of nowhere in this British black comedy horror. That is literally the entire movie summed up in 18 words.

We open with David (Andy Serkis) and his brother Peter (Reece Shearsmith) in a remote cottage with a girl tied up in the boot of their car. Their hostage turns out to be Tracey (Jennifer Ellison), the daughter of a strip club owner, Arnie. Arnie sends his bunglingly stupid son to transport the cash, knowing he is in on the whole thing but has him followed by two henchmen who never really get a chance to do anything useful other than be stereotypical asian assassins. Stuff happens, Tracey gets free taking Peter as HER hostage and they wind up in a creepy farmhouse. While looking for a phone, Peter opens a trapdoor in the kitchen, letting out a mutilated farmer who goes on a rampage and kills everyone. Well. Everyone except Peter. He gets trapped in the cellar with the body of the farmer and a cupboard/shelves combo unit on top of the door.

What disappointed me about this title was the fact that nothing really happened. Sure there was mystery, suspense, gore and a few fight scenes, but other than that, I wasn't really captivated in the way other movies get me. The background of the farmer could have been delved into a little further, or perhaps the club could have been utilised a little more. All I know was that there was definitely something missing that held this film back from becoming pretty damn good.

I'm pretty sure that last part is terrible grammar, but I'm sure you get the point.

What I did enjoy was the fact that it wasn't pretending to be an action-packed blockbuster, or a laugh-out-loud comedy, but something else entirely. The characters didn't seem cheesy, something some movies fail on hard, the 'villain' was believable and the horror was real. The fact that everyone dies in the end was another plus, something I always appreciate in movies like this. I know cliches are there for a reason, but the skinny blonde being the only survivor of a zombie attack isn't very likely when the film starts off with her in a group with muscly guys and peeps who know how to use guns. I'm not saying that skinny blondes can't handle themselves, and not trying to be sexist, but this is something that appears in many films. Also, the 'tough guy' of the film, David, standing no chance against the farmer was another welcome sight. Something else that usually is seen in cinema is that the good guys manage to put up a fight before going down, where in real situations, it's highly unlikely your average Joe could win a fist fight with a 6'4” monster who feels no pain, let alone land a punch.

All in all, a worthwhile film only missing a few things that's worth an hour and a half of your time. -3 ski masks out of 5

Trailer --- IMDB

January 8th - Turn Me On Dammit (15? cert. unknown)

'Turn me on' is the story of Alma (Helen Bergsholm), a 15 year old living in Skoddeheimen, Norway. In a twist from the norm, we see the life of a sexually frustrated girl struggling to live her life, rather than watching from a male perspective. The film is broken up by her fantasies that range from Artur, the boy she believes she is in love with, to practically anyone who happens to be near her. From the offset, we see Alma on the phone to a sex line, with her hand in her underwear doing, well, I'm sure you can guess what [family blog blah blah blah], and realise that we are on for a full on film with no holds barred. While at a party, Artur pokes Alma with his old fella, but later denies it, making Alma look the fool and ostracising her from everyone at school.

As I don't watch a lot of Norwegian cinema, I'm not sure if using unprofessional actors is big, but it certainly worked this time. Doing this gave the whole film an aura of originality, no, REALITY that wouldn't have been able to be accomplished using big names that we are used to seeing. In her first acting credit (according to IMDB), Bergsholm seems perfect. She isn't known and isn't 'Hollywood beautiful' which allows her to claim the role as her own, without the pressure of previous characters and ideals being forced upon her. She, along with about a dozen other main characters do a great job of making the boredom of Skoddeheimen seem real, even though (from what I can find) it is a fictional place. The credit must also go to the director, Jannicke Systad Jacobsen, for using such a bleak backdrop, from the desolate, yet frequently used bus stop to the youth centre, whose outer seating area is reminiscent of something you'd find under a bridge.

I'm not quite sure how to describe this film as it's not something I'm familiar with, but I what I can tell it is that it is a solid watch. - 3 tubes of lip gloss out of 5

Trailer --- IMDB

January 7th - Men in Black 3 (PG)

This is only going to be a short review as I'm REALY tired. Staying up all night in an attempt to get my sleep pattern back to normal may not have been the best idea, but uni's back on tomorrow and I can't do with waking up an 5 hours after I was supposed to get there.

Anywho. The film. I loved the first two thirds of the trilogy and the cartoon wasn't too bad either. The final instalment did not disappoint. The guys and gals in nightly attire are back, once again defending the planet from an alien threat. This time it's a one-armed Boglodite (Jemaine Clements of Flight of the Conchords fame) who breaks out of a special prison on the moon with the help of Nicole Sherzinger to take revenge on Agent K (Tommy Lee Jones). J (Will Smith) Travels back in time to save his partner, while also making an important discovery about his own past.

As with the previous renditions, there are a number of famous celebs listed as being aliens or working for the MIB which add to the surreal entertainment of the film, solidifying it as comedy fiction. With a few new faces, but not enough of the coffee aliens, stellar performances all around, even if Jones' face did look like it had started to melt. Maybe Will Smith should give him some of whatever he's having.

A great end to a great set of films. - 4 pocket watches out of 5

Trailer --- IMDB

January 6th - Masters of Horror: Imprint (18)

When I first watched Ichi the Killer, I thought, How can something this disturbing be so watchable? Even after seeing Imprint, the answer still eludes me, trapped in the mind of Takashi Miike. Some call him a genius, some, a mad man. I'm not sure what I would call him, but whatever it is, it would be a deserving title.

As part of a 13-episode anthology, Imprint starts off following Christopher (Billy Drago), as he travels to 19^th Century Japan to find the prostiture that he fell in love with. With no boats leaving until morning, he accepts shelter in a whore house, where he is told of his love's passing by a disfigured prostitute and inquires into her life. Her dark past is revealed along with the story of Komomo, the woman he was looking for.

Immediately after the opening scene begins, I was reminded of 'In the house, In a Heartbeat' by John Murphy (a piece made famous by 28 days later), an eerie instrumental that compemented the film to a great degree. As I continued to watch, I was amazed at how clean the visuals were for a film set over two centuries ago. I expected it to have a more gritty setting, or at least ambiance, but the crisp visuals allowed me to submerse myself in the story with great ease, as if I was looking through a glass window, only a few feet from the characters. As the story moved on, Miike's directional skills started to show. Torture scenes, abortions and unborn babies coursing downstream are all present, showing why this was the only film of the season to be banned in the US TV release. When we eventually discover the real reason and story (the prostitute had given different accounts up until now) it started turning into a bad 80's horror flick. What I am assuming is an anamatronic hand becomes the focus and ruins the authentic feel, leaving me a little disapointed. Aside from that, the only fault I really found off-putting was the casting of Drago. He didn't have the emotional range to pull off the role he was given, staying too wooden for what was needed. If it were not for him, I would rate this movie higher for sure.

I applaud Miike in his ability to create such a terrifyingly beatutiful piece. One for Miike fans and horror/thriller aficionados alike. - 3.5 jade rings out of 5

Trailer --- IMDB

January 5th - Electrick Children (15)

I found this on a list of “Best 2012 movies, you've never seen” while floating around the interwebs and it was no lie. Not a Hollywood blockbuster in any shape or form, but a great watch nonetheless.

The story follows Rachel, a 15 year old Mormon who gets pregnant from listening to music. Yep. You heard me. She got pregnant. From music. She leaves the community to find the singer whom she believes is the father and a wacky adventure ensues. Think Scooby Doo. You know, preppy boy, hot girl, nerd, stoner, talking dog. Except without any of those. Well, maybe the stoner.

With a cast of Billy Zane and a dozen other people I've never heard of, Julia Garner (Rachel) is the stand-out star. She played the role with a childish sense of wonderment and drew me right in, believing she was actually a Mormon in upbringing and had never been introduced to certain things or experiences. It's hard to act as if you have zero knowledge of a cassette player, but for me, it was totally real.

Buuuuuuuuuuut........

FYI, there's always a but with me.

The scene after she is introduced to the tape deck, she immediately knows how to use it. Maybe I missed something, but that seems a little off.

But I digress. With such a small cast, writer and director Rebecca Thomas has done an amazing job of making the film seem busier than it actually was. The background/surrounding area is ever changing, giving a sense of volume and movement to an otherwise open set. While I don't usually watch dramas, this was definitely worthwhile as it didn't really focus on the boring day-to-day activities that some films highlight too much, but the journey and growth of the main character. Throughout the movie, we see her progression and change in attitude to life, ranging from naive 'prairie girl' to a young woman who has begun to take charge of the road ahead.

Oh yeah. Macaulay Culkin’s kid brother is in it. Not Kieran. Rory. Bet you didn't know there was another one.

A fine film to watch on a Sunday afternoon. - 3 blue cassettes out of 5

Trailer --- IMDB

January 4th - The Cabin in the Woods

WARNING: SPOILERS AHEAD

WARNING: TL;DR ALERT

Where to start, where to start? How about I WANT THE LAST HOUR AND A HALF OF MY LIFE BACK. There were just so many things that put me off this movie. I nearly didn't even bother writing a review because of how unimpressed I was. Read the reviews on Rotten Tomatoes. I dare you. Then watch the film. Or watch, then read. I'm not fussed. I don't understand how it became 'critically acclaimed' or 'An instant classic'. Don't get me wrong, I love Joss Whedon, but not this. The plot was never fully explained until like 5 minutes before the end where Sigourney Weaver makes a surprise appearance as the big boss lady from behind the scenes, just like she did in Paul, by which time I was struggling to remember what had happened. OWAITIREMEMBER. 5 college kids go to a cabin for spring break or whatever, get killed off one by one, leaving the main character and the stoner to find out they were in some kind of ritual and that they all have to die otherwise the elder gods will rise and destroy the Earth. Sound familiar? Though so. Except that elder gods thing. Not so much that. Anyways. Enough of the ranting.

I guess you want to know what the movie is about, right? Well, aside from the traditional 'group of kids in a secluded place getting killed off one by one', there is a mysterious group of... scientists(?) who have to complete a ritual sacrifice annually or the elder gods will rise and destroy the earth. The 5 who are 'chosen' go to the cabin's basement where there are assorted old trinkets and knick-knacks, and whichever one they unwittingly 'chose' will decide their fate. They choose 'zombie redneck torture family' and end up getting beheadded and stuff. Things happen, blah blah blah, the main character gets saved by her friend who she thought was dead and they enter the control room, releasing all the monsters/killers/angry molesting tree to wreak havoc. They enter the ritual chamber where the plot gets explained. The stoner has to die or the whole world dies. Main character pulls a gun on him, so he lets her get mauled by a werewolf. Still following? Here's the twist. The good bit. The most astute scene in the entire film. He doesn't die. Nope. He sits there and lets the world end. Not even the main character gets out alive. You'd expect them to get out somehow, right? Crawl into a cubby hole until the monsters eat each other and the torrential downpour of elder god wrath had dissipated? Nope. They sit there and get turned into pancakes by a giant hand. The. End.

OK. I lied. There's still a little more ranting.

1. When the guy took a bear trap to the spine and walked it off like nothing happened.
2. The unicorn does not gore people with its horn. It's a regal and majestic creature that frolics in meadows. It's not a lean, mean, stomach piercing machine.
3. Why do the monsters not attack each other?

I think that's it. I hope that's it. I don't want to lose readers on the 4^th day! Come back readers! I promise to be nice tomorrow!

Joss, if you're reading this, I still love ya buddy. Keep doing what you do best. This is just one guys opinion of one film.

Even though there isn't much explanation as to what the film is about, I'd still recommend this to horror/thriller fans out there as there are tonnes of easter eggs and references to classic films and even Left4Dead. - 2 zombie hands out of 5

Trailer (15) --- IMDB

#bringbackfirefly

January 3rd - Ted

After being refused entry to this 15 at the cinema because one of the people I went with, and I quote, “is clearly is older than 18, but has no ID.”, I convinced myself it was a good thing. I got so many reviews from people either saying it was the best thing EVAR or a pile of steaming doodoo (this is a family blog!), I consoled myself in the fact that I had just saved a tenner. Boy was I wrong. This was one of the best films I've seen this year. And by this year I mean 2012.

Ted stars Mark Wahlberg as John, who as a child, made a wish that his teddy bear was real. Ted (Seth MacFarlane) DID come to life and they've been 'Thunder Buddies' ever since, much to the dismay of John's girlfriend Lori (Mila Kunis).

I've been told that Ted was just an extended episode of Family Guy, another of MacFarlane's creations and I can see why. The humor is spot on, and half the cast show their faces. Except for MacFarlane. He's bear-ly ever on screen.

Wahlberg pulls of his role excellently, even if he does have a dodgy accent at times. Working with a character who isn't always there in filming is a hard thing to accomplish. Making sure that the actors are looking in the right direction, aware of the space that character would occupy and act naturally are things that needed to be considered, and Marky Mark makes it work. Mila Kunis is stunning as always and has great on-screen chemistry with Wahlberg, but it was Macfarlane who stole the show for me. There are so manny quips and one liners throughout the film that kept me giggling like a schoolgirl. Giovanni Ribisi appears as the creepy guy who kidnaps Ted, a role that reminded me of Steve Buscemi's Garland Greene frm Con Air. I'm glad that Ribisi was cast as I think he is a stellar actor who needs to be cast more often. Add in Norah Jones, Tom Skerritt and Sam Jones playing themselves and you have yourselves a very talented cast.

The one thing that did bug me since the out, was that when Ted went public, why didn't the Government take him away and run all sorts of tests on him? If a talking teddy bear was found today, it would be gone within hours. Also, being set 27ish years after Ted came into the spotlight, had his 15 minutes of fame, and disappeared, wouldn't people either forget about him, or not know about him at all? It seemed weird that the scene when Ted and John are walking through the Park, nobody seems phased in the slightest.

I'd like to say to all the people who talked smack about this film, “Boo, you whore.” and thank everyone who recommended it to me. A fine flick to chill out with friends or watch with that special someone. - 4 Teds out of 5

Trailer (15) --- IMDB