January 11th - Pitch Perfect (12A)

WARNING: SPOILERS

Me - “Isn't this just Glee the musical?”*

Not me - “Please. Don't insult it.”

I wasn't expecting much going in to this. It sounded as though it was going to be another generic teem musical, but I can safely say I was wrong. Yeah, it follows the usual 'team starts to disband, starts to lose their competitions, but then all kiss and make up and go on to win the (insert sport/activity here) in an awesome fashion and everyone is happy' storyline, but there's still plenty going on. The story focusses on Beca (Anna Kendrick), an aspiring DJ who is a freshman college (Uni for all of us here in the UK). She has no interest in joining any clubs until she is heard singing in the shower by Chloe, a member of the all-girl a capella group, The Bellas. She reluctantly joins, but falls in love with Jesse, a member from their all-male rival group. We see The Bellas get knocked out of the a cappella championship as Aubrey, their controlling lead who is a sucker for tradition, refuses to change up the song set that they use every year but seems to be failing. Beca throws in a little freestyle mid-routine, much to the dismay of Aubrey and the group. SUPER TWIST NO JUTSU! The team that knocked them out is found to have a non-college member, so The Bellas are invited back! Aubrey calls everyone except Beca, who still turns up because Chloe calls her, they all have a big fight, a lot of vomiting happens and Beca becomes their new leader. She shows her mixing and they use that to shake up the finals and eventually win. Never saw that coming...

Sounds like your bog-standard teem flick, right? Well, throw Fat Amy (Rebel Wilson) in the mix and you get something much, much different. Not quite stealing the show, so to speak, but standing out as a major player, Wilson made the film for me. She is obviously the comic relief, and plays it very well. She doesn't follow the norm for a character in a film like this, and makes chuckle-worthy comments and quips throughout, breaking up the tension and drama. Although there is an element of student life and Beca's relationships during the film, the main focus is most definitely the musical numbers. The energy put into the performances is momentous and you can tell that the guys and girls have all either had previous dance training, or have put a lot of work in for this title.

I wasn't disappointed at anything, but at the same time, I wasn't blown away. The acting was solid, the story and characters interesting, and the performances enjoyable. The final 'battle' between The Bellas and the Treblemakers was the climax of the film and most definitely worth the wait, with great renditions of popular songs.

Not a guy film, but still a fun watch. - Three and a half pitch pipes out of five

Trailer --- IMDB

*Only after saying it, I realised that 'Glee the musical' is as redundant as saying ATM machine. Fail.

AAARRRGGGHHH!!!

Attention my loyal followers. It's 5:40am and I have no review for you! Please accept my sincere apologies. Or you know, don't. Maybe start an angry mob with torches and pitchforks and come burn my house down. Y'know. Make a day of it.
I'll be back tomorrow with not one, not three, but TWO reviews for y'all. For realsies.

Love,
Me.

P.S. I think it's about time you got a name. 'Followers' is kinda boring. It also makes me sound like a king. Which I'm OK with, but you might not be. Ideas in the comments!

January 10th - Resident Evil Retribution (15)

Picking up where the last movie left off, and I mean RIGHT where it left off, we begin the final (?) encounter with Alice (Milla Jovovich) in the not-much-to-do-with-the-games-except-for-the-name film about shooting zombie monsters in the face. I've always been a fan of the Resident Evil films, even if they did get 6/10 across the board, and this one is no different. As with most of the previous films, we get introduced to a new team who assist Alice, along with one or two characters from a previous film. This time, we get to see people from all four of the prequels in the same place, but I'll get to that in a bit.

The story follows what we all know, the deadly T-Virus has infected and spread, and Alice is needed to clean it up. However, on this occasion, it's everyones favourite guy-in-a-trenchcoat-who-isn't-Neo, Albert Wesker who is asking for help.

After waking up imprisoned in the Prime Umbrella testing facility, Alice escapes with the help of Wesker and Ada Wong, and the information that the human race is in danger of being wiped out if she doesn't do something about it. She is directed to meet up with a rescue squad of Leon Kennedy, Barry Burton, 2 guys who die too early for me to remember their names and..... wait for it..... Luther West, the dude who survived Afterlife. Who said the black guy always dies first! Along the way we meet old friends Rain and One from the first film, and Carlos from Apocalypse leaving only Ashley and Rebecca needed to catch them all! (I know there are plenty more characters in the RE universe, but I really wanted to make a Pokémon joke, ok?) With the corrupted Jill Valentine hot on their heels and timed explosives set to flood the underwater complex, Alice and co. have to get out, and fast. When they eventually escape after drowning nearly every living and unliving body, we are treated to the most exhilarating fight scene in the quintilogy, if that is even a thing. Alice squares off with Jill, while Rain does what she does best, kicks some ass. After the battle is over, our heroes make their way to the Whitehouse to meet with 'President' Wesker, who shows them the true damage of the T-Virus.....

While not my favourite of the five, Retribution was still fun/exciting/enjoyable to watch. It has all the things that RE film fans want to see: Michelle Rodriguez doing her thang, Milla Jovovich wearing nothing but a sheet of paper and um... er... some other stuff? Probably explosions, zombies, huge gun battles and car chases or something. While the acting was kind of rigid in places and some of the lines seemed forced, I still really enjoyed myself and would happily buy this on DVD if times were not changing to a more digital and less physical entertainment industry. Even with trying to cram as many characters from the games as possible into 90 minutes, I'd be happy to have this in my collection.

After reading the reviews from IMDB, who mostly gave it 1-3/10, I'm sad to say I'm inclined to agree with them. There were plenty of things that were unrealistic, unneeded or corny, but to me, that is what makes the film. If it were true to life, it would be utter poop. Not to mention that entire premise of the franchise is something that doesn’t even exist. Sure there were parts that weren't top notch, but I don't care. As long as I'm immersed in the film, it's all gravy.

One to watch only if you're a fan of the first four. - Two umbrellas out of 5

Trailer 1 --- Trailer 2 --- IMDB

January 9th - The Cottage (2008) (18)

A kidnapping gone wrong turns into a mass murder in an abandoned cottage in the middle of nowhere in this British black comedy horror. That is literally the entire movie summed up in 18 words.

We open with David (Andy Serkis) and his brother Peter (Reece Shearsmith) in a remote cottage with a girl tied up in the boot of their car. Their hostage turns out to be Tracey (Jennifer Ellison), the daughter of a strip club owner, Arnie. Arnie sends his bunglingly stupid son to transport the cash, knowing he is in on the whole thing but has him followed by two henchmen who never really get a chance to do anything useful other than be stereotypical asian assassins. Stuff happens, Tracey gets free taking Peter as HER hostage and they wind up in a creepy farmhouse. While looking for a phone, Peter opens a trapdoor in the kitchen, letting out a mutilated farmer who goes on a rampage and kills everyone. Well. Everyone except Peter. He gets trapped in the cellar with the body of the farmer and a cupboard/shelves combo unit on top of the door.

What disappointed me about this title was the fact that nothing really happened. Sure there was mystery, suspense, gore and a few fight scenes, but other than that, I wasn't really captivated in the way other movies get me. The background of the farmer could have been delved into a little further, or perhaps the club could have been utilised a little more. All I know was that there was definitely something missing that held this film back from becoming pretty damn good.

I'm pretty sure that last part is terrible grammar, but I'm sure you get the point.

What I did enjoy was the fact that it wasn't pretending to be an action-packed blockbuster, or a laugh-out-loud comedy, but something else entirely. The characters didn't seem cheesy, something some movies fail on hard, the 'villain' was believable and the horror was real. The fact that everyone dies in the end was another plus, something I always appreciate in movies like this. I know cliches are there for a reason, but the skinny blonde being the only survivor of a zombie attack isn't very likely when the film starts off with her in a group with muscly guys and peeps who know how to use guns. I'm not saying that skinny blondes can't handle themselves, and not trying to be sexist, but this is something that appears in many films. Also, the 'tough guy' of the film, David, standing no chance against the farmer was another welcome sight. Something else that usually is seen in cinema is that the good guys manage to put up a fight before going down, where in real situations, it's highly unlikely your average Joe could win a fist fight with a 6'4” monster who feels no pain, let alone land a punch.

All in all, a worthwhile film only missing a few things that's worth an hour and a half of your time. -3 ski masks out of 5

Trailer --- IMDB

January 8th - Turn Me On Dammit (15? cert. unknown)

'Turn me on' is the story of Alma (Helen Bergsholm), a 15 year old living in Skoddeheimen, Norway. In a twist from the norm, we see the life of a sexually frustrated girl struggling to live her life, rather than watching from a male perspective. The film is broken up by her fantasies that range from Artur, the boy she believes she is in love with, to practically anyone who happens to be near her. From the offset, we see Alma on the phone to a sex line, with her hand in her underwear doing, well, I'm sure you can guess what [family blog blah blah blah], and realise that we are on for a full on film with no holds barred. While at a party, Artur pokes Alma with his old fella, but later denies it, making Alma look the fool and ostracising her from everyone at school.

As I don't watch a lot of Norwegian cinema, I'm not sure if using unprofessional actors is big, but it certainly worked this time. Doing this gave the whole film an aura of originality, no, REALITY that wouldn't have been able to be accomplished using big names that we are used to seeing. In her first acting credit (according to IMDB), Bergsholm seems perfect. She isn't known and isn't 'Hollywood beautiful' which allows her to claim the role as her own, without the pressure of previous characters and ideals being forced upon her. She, along with about a dozen other main characters do a great job of making the boredom of Skoddeheimen seem real, even though (from what I can find) it is a fictional place. The credit must also go to the director, Jannicke Systad Jacobsen, for using such a bleak backdrop, from the desolate, yet frequently used bus stop to the youth centre, whose outer seating area is reminiscent of something you'd find under a bridge.

I'm not quite sure how to describe this film as it's not something I'm familiar with, but I what I can tell it is that it is a solid watch. - 3 tubes of lip gloss out of 5

Trailer --- IMDB

January 7th - Men in Black 3 (PG)

This is only going to be a short review as I'm REALY tired. Staying up all night in an attempt to get my sleep pattern back to normal may not have been the best idea, but uni's back on tomorrow and I can't do with waking up an 5 hours after I was supposed to get there.

Anywho. The film. I loved the first two thirds of the trilogy and the cartoon wasn't too bad either. The final instalment did not disappoint. The guys and gals in nightly attire are back, once again defending the planet from an alien threat. This time it's a one-armed Boglodite (Jemaine Clements of Flight of the Conchords fame) who breaks out of a special prison on the moon with the help of Nicole Sherzinger to take revenge on Agent K (Tommy Lee Jones). J (Will Smith) Travels back in time to save his partner, while also making an important discovery about his own past.

As with the previous renditions, there are a number of famous celebs listed as being aliens or working for the MIB which add to the surreal entertainment of the film, solidifying it as comedy fiction. With a few new faces, but not enough of the coffee aliens, stellar performances all around, even if Jones' face did look like it had started to melt. Maybe Will Smith should give him some of whatever he's having.

A great end to a great set of films. - 4 pocket watches out of 5

Trailer --- IMDB

January 6th - Masters of Horror: Imprint (18)

When I first watched Ichi the Killer, I thought, How can something this disturbing be so watchable? Even after seeing Imprint, the answer still eludes me, trapped in the mind of Takashi Miike. Some call him a genius, some, a mad man. I'm not sure what I would call him, but whatever it is, it would be a deserving title.

As part of a 13-episode anthology, Imprint starts off following Christopher (Billy Drago), as he travels to 19^th Century Japan to find the prostiture that he fell in love with. With no boats leaving until morning, he accepts shelter in a whore house, where he is told of his love's passing by a disfigured prostitute and inquires into her life. Her dark past is revealed along with the story of Komomo, the woman he was looking for.

Immediately after the opening scene begins, I was reminded of 'In the house, In a Heartbeat' by John Murphy (a piece made famous by 28 days later), an eerie instrumental that compemented the film to a great degree. As I continued to watch, I was amazed at how clean the visuals were for a film set over two centuries ago. I expected it to have a more gritty setting, or at least ambiance, but the crisp visuals allowed me to submerse myself in the story with great ease, as if I was looking through a glass window, only a few feet from the characters. As the story moved on, Miike's directional skills started to show. Torture scenes, abortions and unborn babies coursing downstream are all present, showing why this was the only film of the season to be banned in the US TV release. When we eventually discover the real reason and story (the prostitute had given different accounts up until now) it started turning into a bad 80's horror flick. What I am assuming is an anamatronic hand becomes the focus and ruins the authentic feel, leaving me a little disapointed. Aside from that, the only fault I really found off-putting was the casting of Drago. He didn't have the emotional range to pull off the role he was given, staying too wooden for what was needed. If it were not for him, I would rate this movie higher for sure.

I applaud Miike in his ability to create such a terrifyingly beatutiful piece. One for Miike fans and horror/thriller aficionados alike. - 3.5 jade rings out of 5

Trailer --- IMDB