January 23rd - Bernie

Part movie, part documentary, Bernie is the story of Bernie Tiede, a Texan funeral director, and how it changes when he meets Marjorie Nugent, the widow of a recently deceased local man.

What first struck me was the casting of Jack Black as the titular character, Bernie. When you see JB in a movie, you automatically think there will be shenanigans, or at least some childish humour. I sat there, waiting.

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Waiting.

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Waiting some more. Nothing. Yeah, there was the obligatory JB playing JB, but this was much, much different. It became clearer why after I had finished watching, but up until then, it seemed quite dull and lacking in energy. The film's schtick, was that the interlaced interviews are from real townsfolk who new the real Bernie Tiede, before he ended up in prison. This was a very clever idea that was pulled off well as I couldn't tell that they weren't actors until I read about it in the film's trivia section. As I knew nothing about this title until watching it, I was unaware that he kills Marjorie until the moment in question. I had a theory that something happens to him from the way he was referred to in the past tense occasionally, but I thought that maybe he had died, or the interviewees were all 'patients' of his that had passed on.

The film itself wasn't at all boring, but it wasn't able to hold my concentration for the full 104 minutes, I paused it once or twice to watch youtube videos or listen to classical music. You know, the kind of things you do when you're looking for a distraction. It's all personal taste, but the pace was a little slow for me as it really came all on one level, not speeding up and getting exciting, or slowing you down to let you think. It was like a long, flat line across the middle of the page. Like I said, with wacky old Jables as the lead, I expected there to be at least 1 hi-jinks happening, maybe even 4 whole hi-jinks if we were lucky, so when a grand total of zero hi-jinks happened, I felt a little let down. This might have been part of the reason why I didn't enjoy it as much as others. I can understand that as a... well... not exactly a mockumentary, but something similar I guess, it was trying to imitate life in a small Texan town rather than Hollywood action, but it needed something to keep me hanging on. As it stands, I felt like I was watching Big Brother when they are just sat on the couch doing nothing. I don't mean to keep slating the film, but I found it hard to pull out any exciting scenes or pieces of acting I really enjoyed. The actual actors, not the interviewees, seemed to fit into the roles well enough, but once again, nothing stellar. Aside from JB being cast where he shouldn't, the only part I disagreed with was that of Marjorie's accountant, Lloyd Hornbuckle. He seemed as though he had come straight from an episode of Ugly Betty.

I started writing this with such a positive air, but it seems to have dissolved into moaning and whining. I really appreciated the new* direction this film took, with the cutaways to the residents and felt that it could have been a four-star production, but there were a few too may things missing.

A good effort, executed poorly. - 2 and a half coffins out of 5

Trailer --- IMDB

*new to me. It may have been done before, but I haven't seen it yet.

January 22nd - Tenacious D in The Pick of Destiny

If you haven't seen this yet, go and watch it now. Go on. I'll wait.

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Back? Good. So how was it? Did it blow your headbrain? YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT IT DID!

Ok. So I might be a little biased to this film. Everyone has their opinions. It just so happens that yours is wrong and mine is right. TDiTPoD (such a terrible acronym) isn't so much a film as a journey. A journey that everyone should make. It's like a pilgrimage.

The Pick of Destiny is a pilgrimage.

We follow JB (Jack Black) on his journey to become a rock legend, where he meets KG (Kyle Gass) and they form Tenacious D. When they hear of a mythical guitar pick, they travel to a rock museum to try and find it. But you know the story, don't you? Of course you know it. I'm not sure whether to class this as a musical, or if it is just something else entirely. There are numerous numbers throughout the film, courtesy of Tenacious D, so I guess it's kind of like a 90 minute music video. And a damn good one at that.

With JB and KG playing themselves, it makes it a whole lot easier to understand the characters, even if it is set in a fictional setting. They don't 'act' per se, but just..... happen. That's the best way I can describe it. They just are. The humour of the film comes mainly from the songs, something Tenacious D are famous for, with a few others things thrown in for balance. There is a story, but if you're a fan of The D, like myself, you'll be sitting there waiting for the music to start again as soon as it finishes.

The film flows very well, better than some box-office big names. There aren't really any moments when you are left confused, wondering what just happened or why, and it keeps pace throughout, making it easy to follow. The only 'break' is from the character played by Ben Stiller. Now, I love me some Stiller, but I don't think he was suited for this role. He has a very unique way of playing his characters, a way that you know it's him, even if he is covered in makeup or prosthetics, and I think that it wasn't in key with the rest of the film. Maybe he was too intense, and the 'guitar guy' needed to be slowed down a little, I don't know, but he didn't fit. Think of it as pushing a square peg into a round hole. It might go through, but it isn't the right piece to be perfect. Other than that, the film as a whole felt like custard. I know that might sound weird, but hear me out. It's not as smooth and flowy as water, but it's still smooth, just with a few bumps. Ok. That made more sense in my head.

Basically, this film is great and you should watch it. If for nothing other than Dave Grohl dressed as the Devil. Yeah. He's the Devil. - 4 picks out of 5

Trailer --- IMDB

January 21st Hot Shots/Hot Shots Part Deux (PG/12)

Can you say DOUBLE FEATURE?!?!

Today I bring y'all what I like to think of as Charlie Sheen's best, and one of my favourite comedies. Hot Shots is a slapstick parody of Top Gun with Charlie Sheen playing Charlie Sheen, I mean Topper Harley. Topper is a crack fighter pilot, yet mentally unstable who has to save the day on a sabotaged mission. This is definitely a film worth watching more than once as there are so many sight gags that you will probably miss a few the first time around. Hot Shots knows its a comedy and does nothing to try to convince anyone otherwise. Many scenes are shot for maximum comedic effect with the viewers laughbox in mind, often going over the top to create an almost childish sense of humour. The fourth wall is broken multiple times, the props are blatantly fake and the characters written to exaggerate these 'flaws'. These flaws however are what drives the movie. It knows there is very little seriousness and makes no effort to create such a glamer. Anyone who knows me knows that something as simple as a fart noise will get me giggling like a schoolgirl, and this film plays on that majorly. The jokes and one-liners are so simple that you don't need to understand the whole film to find them funny, like some of the more recent flicks out there. I could quite happily have this on in the background, drifting in and out and still be laughing every time I tuned back in. Playing out like a Tim Vine stand-up routine has it's benefits at times. Looking at the cast, there are a few names that you might or might not have expected to see. First off is Jon Cryer who you should recognise as Charlie's brother Alan in his 'hit' sitcom, Two and a Half Men. Cryer plays his role as Wash Out, Topper's flight buddy extremely well here, creating an emotional bond with the audience that lets the character seem real. Cary Elwes takes a break from being the Dread Pirate Roberts of The Princess Bride fame to become Topper's rival, Kent. Lloyd Bridges appears as the dopey but somehow still in position Admiral Benson, a role that is strangely similar to George Gaynes' Commandant Lassard from the Police Academy series, a character that is brilliant for many reasons unknown to me. We also see Ryan Stiles in his big screen debut as pilot 'Mailman' Farnham. The show stealer, however was most definitely Valeria Golino as Ramada Thompson, Topper's love interest. Even though I have said the film makes no qualms about its seriousness, Golino just makes her scenes 'real'. It's all in the little movements, a dip of the head, the slight shift in posture, they all provide a realism that breaks away from the fabricated world without disrupting it.

In Part Deux, Sheen returns as Harley who has been living in a monastery since the original ended, and is returned to service to lead a rescue team to Iraq to rescue hostages from Desert Storm and defeat Saddam Hussein. There is no flying fighter jets this time, so instead Rambo gets the parody treatment. Only a handful of the main cast from the first film return (Topper, Admiral Benson, Ramada) but they are joined by Ryan Stiles again, this time taking the name of commando Rabinowitz; and Rowan Atkinson, playing Rowan Atkinson, er... I mean Ramada's husband, Dexter. A surprisingly good performance from Jerry Haleva as a camp Saddam Hussein rounds out a great sequel.

Both movies are definitely worth an evening in for, as they are brilliantly simple and that simplicity is the key to making them watchable. I wholly enjoyed the childish humour, bad jokes, breaking the fourth wall and numerous sight gags and am tempted to spend the next week watching the Police Academy series as it reminded me how well comedy can be written. - 4 packs of Tiger Blood out of 5

Hot Shots Trailer --- IMDB

Part Deux Trailer --- IMDB

January 20th - Hu Hao Shuang Xing (Tiger and Crane Fists)

January 20^th - Hu Hao Shuang Xing (Tiger and Crane Fists)

After watching Kung Pow, I just had to see the inspiration. Tiger and Crane Fists starts off with a completely different scene to Oedekerk's version, which threw me off right from the get go. I assumed the storylines would be roughly the same, and I suppose they are to an extent, but Kung Pows is a lot easier to follow and understand. Having watched Kung Pow prior to this, I can only really see it as opposed to the original when I watch. Even the dubbing sounds similar. There's not much I can say about Tiger and Crane Fists that I haven't praised Kung Pow for already, so I reckon you'd have a better time watching that instead.

Unintentionally funny, but not as good as Oedekerk's adaptation. - 2.5 tigers out of 5 cranes

IMDB

January 19th - Kung Pow: Enter the Fist

Now this is more like it!

There were just so many moments in this film where I was almost dying with laughter, from the gopher nun-chucks to the intermission song, I was smiling the whole way through.

Kung Pow is the story of The Chosen One's (Steve Oederkerk) journey to avenge the death of his parents at the hands of Master Pain. Isn't that what most martial arts movies are about? What you might not know is that Kung Pow is unique (to my knowledge) in that it is part archived footage of another movie (Hu He Shuang Xing/Tiger and Crane Fists) with the audio all dubbed by Oederkerk in addition to some green-screening. I won't say that this technique is flawless, but it was very well done, with some scenes looking flawlessly edited. The CGI is better than some films too. It's not very often you get called on to create a kung-fu cow, but it happened, and boy did it kung my fu.

Wow. That sounded wrong.

With Oederkerk doing all the dubbing, there are bound to be a few over the top voices, and this is confirmed as soon as Miss Piggy starts squealing. It doesn't stop there though. He even gives the background characters voices. See that group of kids running down the street? They're singing a song about how they are children. I didn't say they were interesting voices, did I? We do get a scene of two guys with their mouths completely shut singing while carrying stuff though. Because they're ventriloquists! How ingenious is that? We get the obligatory 'mouth-moves-for-ages-and-only-says-one-word' line, and even the dog gets dubbed. For barking... With copious amounts of video game sound-bites and the line, “killing is badong”, I'll leave you with this thought.

Did that cow just piledrive him?

I don't care what anyone says, I loved this film and highly recommend anyone who enjoys old martial arts films to watch this. Too bad there's no sequel. - 4 gophers out of 5

Trailer --- IMDB

Oh. And there are aliens in it. They're French. Deal with it.

January 18th - Behemoth

Behemoth - “any creature or thing of monstrous size or power”

The thing IN the film, sure. The film itself, perhaps not.

Behemoth is a TV film that premiered on SyFy in 2011. The same year and channel that bought us, well, not much. I guess 2011 wasn't their year for premieres. Generally speaking, I'm a big fan of what SyFy airs, but this wasn't their best effort.

Behemoth is all about an ancient creature that was laying dormant under the Earth's surface but for an unknown reason woke up and decided to cause panic in a small town at the foot of a dormant volcano by creating earthquakes, tremors and the like.

Throughout the film, we are granted with a simple storyline (the volcano looks like it's about to blow! UT OH!), some glaringly bad special effects, a few instances of overacting, and plenty of exaggerated screams. Personally, I think this would have been better suited to a series (or even mini-series), as there was plenty to expand on – the CO2 clouds, the submerged diner, the Smoking Man's theories --- Yes, the Smoking Man from the X-Files is in this ---, some kind of explanation about the weapon. I get that there was supposed to be a sense of urgency, but what I was watching was far too laid back for something that could destroy the world at any given moment. I wasn't drawn in to the story, couldn’t' relate or form a bond with any of the characters, and found I could concentrate while doing other things. To me, these are the things you need to get right for a successful film. There was a good idea behind the scenes, but the execution was lackluster. Aside from the aforementioned screaming, the acting wasn't that bad, and I expect Ed Quinn to go on to bigger and brighter things.

Something to have on in the background while... I don't know... doing the ironing or something. 2 volcanoes out of 5

Trailer --- IMDB

January 17th - Zathura (PG)

The unofficial sequel to Jumanji, Zathura follows the same pattern that made Robin Williams' jungle adventure so charming.

Danny (Jonah Bobo) and Walter (Josh Hutcherson) are bickering brothers who are bored as anything when they are left under the 'supervision' of their sister Lisa (Kristen Stewart). Danny finds a board game called 'Zathura' and convinces Walter to play it with him. When they discover that their house has been transported to outer space, things start to get weird. Walter decides that the only way home is to finish the game, so they continue playing amidst the distractions the game throws at them. Along the way, they meet 'the stranded astronaut' (Dax Shepard), who helps them fend off against the lizard-like Zorgons.

I'm not going to say anything mean about this film. Sure there were bits that didn't make sense, but it's a kids movie, and what matters is that it is enjoyable to watch, not how factually correct it is. So Just like Jumanji, once the boys start to play the game, they encounter certain phenomena, mostly dangerous and have to overcome or outlive it to proceed. These events are exactly what I thought space travel would be like when I was a kid, meteors, robots, lizard aliens, so I kind of reverted back to a child whilst watching. Whilst being 12 again, I thoroughly enjoyed the movie for what it was – a fun space adventure with nothing pressuring me to criticize it.

Even though it was a fine waste of 2 hours, it suffered the fate of being released in the same year as Toy Story, and also 4 years after Monsters Inc. This meant it had to compete against the already dominating Disney/Pixar combo who have grasped a firm handle on being the most predominant childrens/family movie makers. Even so, Zathura manages to keep you entertained all the way through with it's child-like charm and quirky story. Even Kristen Stewart was on form when she gets frozen and has to be replaced with a life-size model. Some of her best work there!

All in all, a pleasant journey back to my childhood. - 3 spaceships out of 5

Trailer --- IMDB