January 30th - Population 436 (18?)

Gotta love these straight-to-video films. No really. This was actually pretty darn good.

I'll give you 1 guess as to what Pop. 436 is about. Yep, you got it. A small, out of town town's population is 436 and never changes. NEVER!

Steve Kady (Jeremy Sisto) is sent to investigate why the town's population hasn't changed for the past century and slowly discovers its gruesome secret. If anyone stays overnight, they become 'one of us' and someone has to 'disappear' to keep the numbers right. They do this by holding a summer fayre ordeal, with the 'host' being hanged as the main attraction. The story isn't anything amazing, it's your usual deep south town that keeps to itself, so the sets aren't anything big and clever; the cast are pretty convincing, even with having to switch between being nicey-nicey and eerily suspicious; and the scripting doesn't make anything sound forced. The biggest surprise for me was Deputy Bobby Caine. After only a few lines he became a very sincere and likeable character, and by the end of the movie, my favourite. But something kept making me wonder who he was. He seemed familiar, so after I'd finished watching I head over to IMDB to check him out. It turns out that he's none other than FRED DURST! Most singers that turn to acting can't quite hack it, but this was different. He was able to give the emotional range needed to pull it off that others lack. I'm not saying that he should become a full-time actor, but he should give the big screen a try, especially if his performance here is anything to go by.

The ending came as a shock to me, though looking back, I could have figured it out if I had played detective and analysed the movie instead of enjoying it. There is an alternate ending that I would very much like to see, but can't find it anywhere. So if anyone knows of it, let me know!

A movie that shows that not all staight-to-video releases are bad. - 4 tow trucks out of 5

Trailer --- IMDB

January 29th - Snow White and the Huntsman

If you don't know the story of Snow White, get out.

That's right.

You.

Go.

I kid, I kid. Y'all can stay. But if you don't know about Snow White, I recommend you find a copy of Grimm's Fairy Tales and brush up on your knowledge pretty sharpish.

I very much enjoy re-imaginings of children’s fairy tales. The SyFy adaptation Alice, is especially worth watching, but maybe I'll save that for another day. This particular take on Snow White isn't that bad, but at the same time, it isn't the best. I guess I'll moan about it a little first, and then make up for it with what I enjoyed.

So. 8 Dwarves? If they were trying to distance themselves from the original by the Brothers Grimm, why this? In fact, if you are trying to distance yourself from an extremely well known tale, why even copy it at all? Anyway, why 8 dwarves? It served no purpose in the film to have an extra in the group, so why not stick to 7? Next, Kristen Stewart. I'm not going to comment on her acting skills as they are already quite controversial, but I will ask, why her? I would have thought the role of Snow White would have gone to someone like Lily Cole (who got cast as generic prisoner number 3) who doesn't look herp-a-derp when she smiles. This coupled with the constant crying whenever Stewart was on screen, leads me to think they could have done much better with the cast list. Finally, the whole film. This sounds bigger than it actually is, so don't fret. I couldn’t' really tell what I was was supposed to be thinking/feeling while watching. There wasn't much emotional attachment to the characters, so I can't say I was rooting for anyone to claim victory/survive. In addition, the film felt kind of flat, like a motorway that you've been driving on for 2 hours. There were no major action scenes, nothing to make you jump, or become excited about. This isn't to say the plot was lacking, just that I like to have my brain working while watching instead of sitting there, well, just sitting there I guess.

Now for good things!

8 dwarves! Yeah yeah, I know I've just slated it, but why not 8 dwarves? There's nothing stopping the writers adding extra characters into the mix. Like I said earlier, this is a re-imagining, not a replication. If it was exactly the same, nobody would watch it. Well, except for you. Yeah, you who doesn't know who the Brothers Grimm are. Speaking of the Brothers, what does Snow White do in their story after she comes back from the dead? Does she don mail and armour and take the fight to the evil Queen? No? Well she does here! Kick-ass princesses have become a mainstay in current-day media, and this is no different. Once again, this is a turn from the original that makes it worth watching as it provides a different view from the 'helpless damsel gets rescued and lives happily ever after'. Bob Hoskins, Ray Winstone and Nick Frost as dwarves? Yes please. Although I do think that using CGI to change their appearance is a bit off, especially when there are plenty of actors out there that don't need computers to look 4'10”.

A children’s story not for children, but also not for adults. - 2 and a half apples out of 5

Trailer --- IMDB

January 26/27/28 - Cube Trilogy

Apologies for no weekend upload. I've been a little busy the past few days, but have a trilogy to make up for it!

The story of all 3 Cube films are similar in that a group of people are trapped inside a hypercube – think of a Rubik’s Cube where the segments move around through the X,Y and Z axis instead of rotating in a pre-determined order – and try to escape. The first two follow this pattern with one escapee, and the third also gives us a view from behind the scenes, much how Cabin in the Woods does, watching the 'brains' behind the operations.

Cube

Apart from the Ving Rhames impressions and unexplainable outbursts of anger, solid acting all round. There isn't really much 'horror' here, focussing more on the psychological aspect and how the 6 deal with being potentially trapped forever. Definitely the best of the trio, even with a shorter shooting time and what looked like a smaller budget for effects. Even though the entire film was filmed in the same 'cell', the coloured panels did their job at creating the illusion of multiple rooms. Even with a story so simple – here's some people trying to escape a crazy maze – Cube manages to engage you for the whole 90 minutes.

3/5

Cube 2 – Hypercube

The same story as it's predecessor, but this time with a little more, and also a little less, explanation. In the first Cube, we learn that each individual is in there for a reason. In Cube 2, we learn that the individuals all have ties to the company IZON which seems to be the name behind the Cube's making. We still have no idea WHY there are people in the Cube though. Number 2 is more hi-tech and sci-fi, which is noticeable in the white panels compared to the colours in number 1, the advanced traps and the fact that the cells have differentials in their time stream. One moment you could be moving slowly, and the next, faster than Road Runner. Parallel universes are a tricky subject to navigate and this wasn't any exception. There are plenty of questions that don't add up with the time differences and such, but we let that slide I guess.

2.5/5

Cube Zero

The final and also the first. Cube zero is a prequel to Cube only in the sense that it is set beforehand chronologically. It does tie in with the first by referencing it a few times, but the presence of IZON isn't as prevalent in the final two films. A fine shake-up instead of following the same pattern of the others, but once again, certain questions are still left unanswered after seeing the whole trilogy. One thing that did annoy me was the twist ending. Yes there's a twist ending – congratulations on complaining about spoilers for a film that not only went straight to video, but did so 9 years ago. We see one character 'turned' into a – how can I put this without sounding insulting... The same way IMDB did – disabled man. I did the whole “OOOOOOOHHHHHHHH” thing when Wynn was found by the others, but didn't appreciate the scene was exactly the same, word for word, even down to where the characters were standing, as the first film.

3/5

While disappointed that the finale wasn't called Cube cubed, a pretty good set of films. Watchable in one sitting or individually.

Cube IMDB

Cube 2: Hypercube IMDB

January 24th - Colin (18)

£40

Colin isn't your traditional zombie movie. It doesn't tell a tale of how the world got infected, nor does it chronicle the escape of a group of survivors. It follows the titular character, Colin. That's it. It literally follows him. There's no heartfelt story or gritty tale, we just see what happens to Colin after he gets bitten. You wanna know what happens to him?

SPOILER

He goes for a walk. That pretty much sums it up.

I can safely say I've never seen or even heard of a zombie flick picking a single zombie out of hundreds and following him around for 90 minutes doing mundane things such as eating peoples noses or getting your face blown off. There are so many things I want to say about this film, but I'm not sure where to start, or even how to say it.

I guess I'll start with the actors. There are a lot of unknowns here. This is because they worked for free, so no A-Listers will be appearing. To me, most of the cast seemed quite amateur. Whether this was because they weren't professional actors, I don't know. What I do know is that in some strange way, it worked. It gave the film an authentic feel that you don't see very often due to heavily edited scripts and decades of acting school. There was a gritty air about it that reflected on how I believe Joe Public would react in the same situation. None of this 'instantly an expert with a weapon I just found', but timid swipes with pots or umbrellas.

SFX. For such a low budget, I think the special effects paid off. Even with the dodgy lighting, it didn't look obviously fake, and at times, convincing.

Shaky-cam. The documentary style of filming added another interesting element, once again solidifying the feel of the 'normal'.

Story. Although you could argue that following Colin on his shamble-tastic adventure IS the story, I found it a little boring as there was no real set up to what the film was about. I kept wondering when the action would kick in or when something, ANYTHING, would happen.

The over-stayed welcome. There were a few scenes that played out for far too long. There is a scene about half way in that shows a group of people stuck in a house with makeshift weapons defending themselves from hordes of the undead. For 5 whole minutes. That's right, for 300 whole seconds, we are presented with nothing but screaming and moaning while the same repetitive motions are played out on screen.

And finally, Colin. Our hero. When he turns, he still is very... human-like. He has human-like qualities. We see quizzical looks on his face, he recognizes things, which brings up the question – do zombies remember their past lives? That's a question for another time though. The way Alastair Kirton played him, it was almost like he had reverted the character back to a baby, seeing everything for the first time again. One other thing I noticed, and this could be applied to all the zombies I guess, was how animalistic they were. There were more roars and snarls than groans, and there was anger showing more so than the urge to feed.

£40. That's how much it cost to make the entire film. £40.

I don't think this would appeal to the 'Hollywood Undead', but to more of an indie film school. 2 and a half road signs out of 5

Trailer --- IMDB

January 23rd - Bernie

Part movie, part documentary, Bernie is the story of Bernie Tiede, a Texan funeral director, and how it changes when he meets Marjorie Nugent, the widow of a recently deceased local man.

What first struck me was the casting of Jack Black as the titular character, Bernie. When you see JB in a movie, you automatically think there will be shenanigans, or at least some childish humour. I sat there, waiting.

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Waiting.

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Waiting some more. Nothing. Yeah, there was the obligatory JB playing JB, but this was much, much different. It became clearer why after I had finished watching, but up until then, it seemed quite dull and lacking in energy. The film's schtick, was that the interlaced interviews are from real townsfolk who new the real Bernie Tiede, before he ended up in prison. This was a very clever idea that was pulled off well as I couldn't tell that they weren't actors until I read about it in the film's trivia section. As I knew nothing about this title until watching it, I was unaware that he kills Marjorie until the moment in question. I had a theory that something happens to him from the way he was referred to in the past tense occasionally, but I thought that maybe he had died, or the interviewees were all 'patients' of his that had passed on.

The film itself wasn't at all boring, but it wasn't able to hold my concentration for the full 104 minutes, I paused it once or twice to watch youtube videos or listen to classical music. You know, the kind of things you do when you're looking for a distraction. It's all personal taste, but the pace was a little slow for me as it really came all on one level, not speeding up and getting exciting, or slowing you down to let you think. It was like a long, flat line across the middle of the page. Like I said, with wacky old Jables as the lead, I expected there to be at least 1 hi-jinks happening, maybe even 4 whole hi-jinks if we were lucky, so when a grand total of zero hi-jinks happened, I felt a little let down. This might have been part of the reason why I didn't enjoy it as much as others. I can understand that as a... well... not exactly a mockumentary, but something similar I guess, it was trying to imitate life in a small Texan town rather than Hollywood action, but it needed something to keep me hanging on. As it stands, I felt like I was watching Big Brother when they are just sat on the couch doing nothing. I don't mean to keep slating the film, but I found it hard to pull out any exciting scenes or pieces of acting I really enjoyed. The actual actors, not the interviewees, seemed to fit into the roles well enough, but once again, nothing stellar. Aside from JB being cast where he shouldn't, the only part I disagreed with was that of Marjorie's accountant, Lloyd Hornbuckle. He seemed as though he had come straight from an episode of Ugly Betty.

I started writing this with such a positive air, but it seems to have dissolved into moaning and whining. I really appreciated the new* direction this film took, with the cutaways to the residents and felt that it could have been a four-star production, but there were a few too may things missing.

A good effort, executed poorly. - 2 and a half coffins out of 5

Trailer --- IMDB

*new to me. It may have been done before, but I haven't seen it yet.

January 22nd - Tenacious D in The Pick of Destiny

If you haven't seen this yet, go and watch it now. Go on. I'll wait.

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Back? Good. So how was it? Did it blow your headbrain? YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT IT DID!

Ok. So I might be a little biased to this film. Everyone has their opinions. It just so happens that yours is wrong and mine is right. TDiTPoD (such a terrible acronym) isn't so much a film as a journey. A journey that everyone should make. It's like a pilgrimage.

The Pick of Destiny is a pilgrimage.

We follow JB (Jack Black) on his journey to become a rock legend, where he meets KG (Kyle Gass) and they form Tenacious D. When they hear of a mythical guitar pick, they travel to a rock museum to try and find it. But you know the story, don't you? Of course you know it. I'm not sure whether to class this as a musical, or if it is just something else entirely. There are numerous numbers throughout the film, courtesy of Tenacious D, so I guess it's kind of like a 90 minute music video. And a damn good one at that.

With JB and KG playing themselves, it makes it a whole lot easier to understand the characters, even if it is set in a fictional setting. They don't 'act' per se, but just..... happen. That's the best way I can describe it. They just are. The humour of the film comes mainly from the songs, something Tenacious D are famous for, with a few others things thrown in for balance. There is a story, but if you're a fan of The D, like myself, you'll be sitting there waiting for the music to start again as soon as it finishes.

The film flows very well, better than some box-office big names. There aren't really any moments when you are left confused, wondering what just happened or why, and it keeps pace throughout, making it easy to follow. The only 'break' is from the character played by Ben Stiller. Now, I love me some Stiller, but I don't think he was suited for this role. He has a very unique way of playing his characters, a way that you know it's him, even if he is covered in makeup or prosthetics, and I think that it wasn't in key with the rest of the film. Maybe he was too intense, and the 'guitar guy' needed to be slowed down a little, I don't know, but he didn't fit. Think of it as pushing a square peg into a round hole. It might go through, but it isn't the right piece to be perfect. Other than that, the film as a whole felt like custard. I know that might sound weird, but hear me out. It's not as smooth and flowy as water, but it's still smooth, just with a few bumps. Ok. That made more sense in my head.

Basically, this film is great and you should watch it. If for nothing other than Dave Grohl dressed as the Devil. Yeah. He's the Devil. - 4 picks out of 5

Trailer --- IMDB

January 21st Hot Shots/Hot Shots Part Deux (PG/12)

Can you say DOUBLE FEATURE?!?!

Today I bring y'all what I like to think of as Charlie Sheen's best, and one of my favourite comedies. Hot Shots is a slapstick parody of Top Gun with Charlie Sheen playing Charlie Sheen, I mean Topper Harley. Topper is a crack fighter pilot, yet mentally unstable who has to save the day on a sabotaged mission. This is definitely a film worth watching more than once as there are so many sight gags that you will probably miss a few the first time around. Hot Shots knows its a comedy and does nothing to try to convince anyone otherwise. Many scenes are shot for maximum comedic effect with the viewers laughbox in mind, often going over the top to create an almost childish sense of humour. The fourth wall is broken multiple times, the props are blatantly fake and the characters written to exaggerate these 'flaws'. These flaws however are what drives the movie. It knows there is very little seriousness and makes no effort to create such a glamer. Anyone who knows me knows that something as simple as a fart noise will get me giggling like a schoolgirl, and this film plays on that majorly. The jokes and one-liners are so simple that you don't need to understand the whole film to find them funny, like some of the more recent flicks out there. I could quite happily have this on in the background, drifting in and out and still be laughing every time I tuned back in. Playing out like a Tim Vine stand-up routine has it's benefits at times. Looking at the cast, there are a few names that you might or might not have expected to see. First off is Jon Cryer who you should recognise as Charlie's brother Alan in his 'hit' sitcom, Two and a Half Men. Cryer plays his role as Wash Out, Topper's flight buddy extremely well here, creating an emotional bond with the audience that lets the character seem real. Cary Elwes takes a break from being the Dread Pirate Roberts of The Princess Bride fame to become Topper's rival, Kent. Lloyd Bridges appears as the dopey but somehow still in position Admiral Benson, a role that is strangely similar to George Gaynes' Commandant Lassard from the Police Academy series, a character that is brilliant for many reasons unknown to me. We also see Ryan Stiles in his big screen debut as pilot 'Mailman' Farnham. The show stealer, however was most definitely Valeria Golino as Ramada Thompson, Topper's love interest. Even though I have said the film makes no qualms about its seriousness, Golino just makes her scenes 'real'. It's all in the little movements, a dip of the head, the slight shift in posture, they all provide a realism that breaks away from the fabricated world without disrupting it.

In Part Deux, Sheen returns as Harley who has been living in a monastery since the original ended, and is returned to service to lead a rescue team to Iraq to rescue hostages from Desert Storm and defeat Saddam Hussein. There is no flying fighter jets this time, so instead Rambo gets the parody treatment. Only a handful of the main cast from the first film return (Topper, Admiral Benson, Ramada) but they are joined by Ryan Stiles again, this time taking the name of commando Rabinowitz; and Rowan Atkinson, playing Rowan Atkinson, er... I mean Ramada's husband, Dexter. A surprisingly good performance from Jerry Haleva as a camp Saddam Hussein rounds out a great sequel.

Both movies are definitely worth an evening in for, as they are brilliantly simple and that simplicity is the key to making them watchable. I wholly enjoyed the childish humour, bad jokes, breaking the fourth wall and numerous sight gags and am tempted to spend the next week watching the Police Academy series as it reminded me how well comedy can be written. - 4 packs of Tiger Blood out of 5

Hot Shots Trailer --- IMDB

Part Deux Trailer --- IMDB

January 20th - Hu Hao Shuang Xing (Tiger and Crane Fists)

January 20^th - Hu Hao Shuang Xing (Tiger and Crane Fists)

After watching Kung Pow, I just had to see the inspiration. Tiger and Crane Fists starts off with a completely different scene to Oedekerk's version, which threw me off right from the get go. I assumed the storylines would be roughly the same, and I suppose they are to an extent, but Kung Pows is a lot easier to follow and understand. Having watched Kung Pow prior to this, I can only really see it as opposed to the original when I watch. Even the dubbing sounds similar. There's not much I can say about Tiger and Crane Fists that I haven't praised Kung Pow for already, so I reckon you'd have a better time watching that instead.

Unintentionally funny, but not as good as Oedekerk's adaptation. - 2.5 tigers out of 5 cranes

IMDB

January 19th - Kung Pow: Enter the Fist

Now this is more like it!

There were just so many moments in this film where I was almost dying with laughter, from the gopher nun-chucks to the intermission song, I was smiling the whole way through.

Kung Pow is the story of The Chosen One's (Steve Oederkerk) journey to avenge the death of his parents at the hands of Master Pain. Isn't that what most martial arts movies are about? What you might not know is that Kung Pow is unique (to my knowledge) in that it is part archived footage of another movie (Hu He Shuang Xing/Tiger and Crane Fists) with the audio all dubbed by Oederkerk in addition to some green-screening. I won't say that this technique is flawless, but it was very well done, with some scenes looking flawlessly edited. The CGI is better than some films too. It's not very often you get called on to create a kung-fu cow, but it happened, and boy did it kung my fu.

Wow. That sounded wrong.

With Oederkerk doing all the dubbing, there are bound to be a few over the top voices, and this is confirmed as soon as Miss Piggy starts squealing. It doesn't stop there though. He even gives the background characters voices. See that group of kids running down the street? They're singing a song about how they are children. I didn't say they were interesting voices, did I? We do get a scene of two guys with their mouths completely shut singing while carrying stuff though. Because they're ventriloquists! How ingenious is that? We get the obligatory 'mouth-moves-for-ages-and-only-says-one-word' line, and even the dog gets dubbed. For barking... With copious amounts of video game sound-bites and the line, “killing is badong”, I'll leave you with this thought.

Did that cow just piledrive him?

I don't care what anyone says, I loved this film and highly recommend anyone who enjoys old martial arts films to watch this. Too bad there's no sequel. - 4 gophers out of 5

Trailer --- IMDB

Oh. And there are aliens in it. They're French. Deal with it.

January 18th - Behemoth

Behemoth - “any creature or thing of monstrous size or power”

The thing IN the film, sure. The film itself, perhaps not.

Behemoth is a TV film that premiered on SyFy in 2011. The same year and channel that bought us, well, not much. I guess 2011 wasn't their year for premieres. Generally speaking, I'm a big fan of what SyFy airs, but this wasn't their best effort.

Behemoth is all about an ancient creature that was laying dormant under the Earth's surface but for an unknown reason woke up and decided to cause panic in a small town at the foot of a dormant volcano by creating earthquakes, tremors and the like.

Throughout the film, we are granted with a simple storyline (the volcano looks like it's about to blow! UT OH!), some glaringly bad special effects, a few instances of overacting, and plenty of exaggerated screams. Personally, I think this would have been better suited to a series (or even mini-series), as there was plenty to expand on – the CO2 clouds, the submerged diner, the Smoking Man's theories --- Yes, the Smoking Man from the X-Files is in this ---, some kind of explanation about the weapon. I get that there was supposed to be a sense of urgency, but what I was watching was far too laid back for something that could destroy the world at any given moment. I wasn't drawn in to the story, couldn’t' relate or form a bond with any of the characters, and found I could concentrate while doing other things. To me, these are the things you need to get right for a successful film. There was a good idea behind the scenes, but the execution was lackluster. Aside from the aforementioned screaming, the acting wasn't that bad, and I expect Ed Quinn to go on to bigger and brighter things.

Something to have on in the background while... I don't know... doing the ironing or something. 2 volcanoes out of 5

Trailer --- IMDB

January 17th - Zathura (PG)

The unofficial sequel to Jumanji, Zathura follows the same pattern that made Robin Williams' jungle adventure so charming.

Danny (Jonah Bobo) and Walter (Josh Hutcherson) are bickering brothers who are bored as anything when they are left under the 'supervision' of their sister Lisa (Kristen Stewart). Danny finds a board game called 'Zathura' and convinces Walter to play it with him. When they discover that their house has been transported to outer space, things start to get weird. Walter decides that the only way home is to finish the game, so they continue playing amidst the distractions the game throws at them. Along the way, they meet 'the stranded astronaut' (Dax Shepard), who helps them fend off against the lizard-like Zorgons.

I'm not going to say anything mean about this film. Sure there were bits that didn't make sense, but it's a kids movie, and what matters is that it is enjoyable to watch, not how factually correct it is. So Just like Jumanji, once the boys start to play the game, they encounter certain phenomena, mostly dangerous and have to overcome or outlive it to proceed. These events are exactly what I thought space travel would be like when I was a kid, meteors, robots, lizard aliens, so I kind of reverted back to a child whilst watching. Whilst being 12 again, I thoroughly enjoyed the movie for what it was – a fun space adventure with nothing pressuring me to criticize it.

Even though it was a fine waste of 2 hours, it suffered the fate of being released in the same year as Toy Story, and also 4 years after Monsters Inc. This meant it had to compete against the already dominating Disney/Pixar combo who have grasped a firm handle on being the most predominant childrens/family movie makers. Even so, Zathura manages to keep you entertained all the way through with it's child-like charm and quirky story. Even Kristen Stewart was on form when she gets frozen and has to be replaced with a life-size model. Some of her best work there!

All in all, a pleasant journey back to my childhood. - 3 spaceships out of 5

Trailer --- IMDB

January 16th - Brick (15)

Um... What did I just watch?

It's kind of hard to review something that I didn't understand, but I'll give it a go. Brendan (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) finds the dead body of his girlfriend at the entrance to a sewage tunnel and goes on the hunt to find out what happened to her. Something happens and he gets involved in a drug ring.

Oh. And it's all set at a high school with students.

For most of the film I was trying to figure out if he was a student or a detective, and if it takes me that long to understand what the main character’s deal is, maybe I shouldn't be watching. Even though I was having trouble following, I couldn't stop, no matter how much I wanted to. Maybe it was the brass-jazz playing, or the old-school detective show voices, but whatever it was, it drew me in. Even after reading the plot synopsis and an FAQ on the film, I'm still a little stumped.

Do not be disheartened though. JGL was fantastic, and the music was extremely enthralling, so give it a go if you like crime/drama/mysteries.

I'm not entirely sure what to make of this one. - 1 brick out of five because I had zero clue what was going on.

Trailer --- IMDB

January 15th - Hostel: Part 3 (18)

A straight-to-video threequel.

This sounds like it's going to be an amazing film, right? Nope.

Hostel 3 follows a dude and his 3 friends on his stag weekend or something. I don't know. The film wasn’t' that interesting so I didn't pay too much attention. We all know what happens next. Yup. They end up as prey for the EHG. This is the only connection to the Hostel franchise as this film takes place in Las Vegas and doesn't have backpacking teens in it.

As the third re-enactment of the same story, I'll keep this short. Very short.

• Not much gore
• Bad acting
• Boring
• Characters were not believable
• VERY cheesy ending
• No bubblegum boys

I guess that's what you get for not having Eli Roth on staff.

Don't bother watching, even of you are a fan of 1+2. - 2 crutches out of 5

Now that's out the way, I can better spend my time eating hobnobs and watching cat videos on Youtube.

Trailer --- IMDB

January 14th - Hostel: Part 2 (18)

Meh.

If anyone has seen Cruel intentions and it's sequel (which is actually it's prequel), you'll be seeing quite a few similarities here. Hostel 2 is basically the same as it's predecessor in a different place and with different characters.

Three college girls (Ugh. College kids again) are on a trip to prague when they hear about the beautiful relaxing spas of Slovakia. They decide to go and end up on the wrong end of the Elite Hunting Club. Not much can be said about this film that I haven't already said about its prequel, except that it isn't executed as well.

What is new however, is that we get to see the other side of the shady goings-on. Hostel 2 shows us how the 'doctors' are called in. Stuart and Todd are two brothers who bid on the girls and win Beth and Whitney, respectively. As first time clients, they are branded with the bloodhound tattoo as part of the contract and called in when the girls arrive. Todd sticks a circular saw in Whitney's head, but that doesn't quite kill her. He realises what he has done and decides he's 'out'. Unfortunately for him, the the part of the contract he didn't read is 'kill or be killed'. Stuart on the other hand, tried to to rape Beth before he does the deed, but she breaks loose and ties him up, threatening to cut off his 'old mister' unless the EHC let her go. She tries to buy her way out, but the club's boss lady tells her about the clause Todd breached. So Beth snips Stuart's kerjigger and feeds it to the dogs, letting him bleed to death. This initiates Beth as a member of the EHC, granting her a tattoo and she is set free. The bubblegum boys are back too, although with a smaller role, and are shown to be quite accustomed to death. In the first movie, we see then cave in a man's skull with a rock. In this instalment, they do not even flinch when one of their own is shot and seem far to happy playing football with a freshly severed head.

Another torture-porn flick with less torture then the first, and probably less porn too. I guess if you're on a horror marathon it would make sense to watch this straight after the first, especially as the fate of Paxton from Hostel 1 is revealed in the opening scene, but other than that, once again, meh.

Only really worth the watch if you're a completist and like sequels. - 3 wieners out of five

Trailer --- IMDB

January 13th - Hostel (18)

First off, let me recommend not watching this if you plan to go backpacking and are prone to paranoia/suspicious/a wimpy little baby.

Hostel is a gritty tale of how dangerous backpacking can be.

The film follows three friends, Paxton, Josh and Oli, on their travels backpacking around Europe. When they get locked out of their hostel in Amsterdam because they missed curfew they crash at a local dude's house who tells them of a hostel in Slovakia where the women are into American men. Maybe the men will be 'into' the women to, if you catch my drift, wink wink, nudge nudge. On the train there, they meet a creepy German businessman who is obviously part of the plot. When they get to the hotel and check-in, they are told they only have semi-private rooms and will have to share.

Enter dis-hearted looks all round.

This changes when they find out their room-mates are semi-clothed girls who invite them to the spa. After a night out with the girls, Oli disappears and Paxton and Josh are told he has already checked out. When the same thing happens to Josh, Paxton starts to get suspicious. When he finds out that they have been taken to an abandoned building where people pay to torture and kill travellers, he himself gets caught and 'put in the doctors chair' so to speak. He eventually escapes when his 'doctor' accidentally chops his own leg off with a chainsaw (who didn't see that coming?)

Once again this is another film that follows the horror/thriller line of 'friends go to a remote locale, start to disappear one by one and only one of them gets out alive'. I'm not really a fan when the same thing gets used over and over again, but this time, I quite enjoyed it. Instead of college kids going somewhere nobody their age would ever go (see Cabin in the Woods) and murdered by freaks, inbreds, zombies or whatever, being tortured by normal* people is a refreshing take on the subject. Refreshing may not be quite the right word to use here, but you know, whatever. Also the word normal. The fact that this could (and probably has) happen is the allure of the film. I always slight films on their reality and authenticity, and even though there are things that happen in Hostel that seem a little farfetched, I think that the idea behind it was extremely solid. From the cops being paid off to ignore what was happening to the gang of street kids, the whole flick seemed believable and scarily possible.

As I wasn't watching something that could blow me away in the action-packed way, I was close to being blown away by the realness. Again, when I say realness, I'm talking about the possibility of it happening opposed to the film itself being true to life. That said, I was drawn in and at points, watching with baited breath. The gore level was not up to Saw standards, but you do see things cut off, hanging out and caved in, so not one for the faint-hearted.

Oh yeah. Takashi Miike randomly appears in it too.

Not something to watch as a random film, but a fine addition to a horror library. - Three and a half fingers out of five

Trailer --- IMDB

Not agaiiiiiiiiin!

I know, I know. I'm doing it again. I went out today and didn't leave myself enough time to watch a film. I could try to review something I've watched already, but that's kind of a cop out.
Sooooooooooooo.
I'm going to do two again tomorrow. I promise this will be the last time I cheat like this. Pinky swear.

Peace.

January 12th - Sonic the Hedgehog fan film

Just in case anyone at BCS sees this, I'm just giving my opinion of the film. I don't want you to think I'm trying to turn people away. I love what you've done with it and would totally buy it if there was a feature length DVD

:D

I thought I'd go for something a little different today. Instead of a 'film', I thought I'd watch a fan film on Youtube. At less than 19 minutes, Sonic is a lot shorter than your regular 90-minute dealio due to obvious budget constraints, but that doesn't mean that it is going to be bad.

This isn't the usual perception of the Sonic universe. It's set in a semi-dystopian future, where Dr. Robotnik has started to claim control of Mobius and is eliminating all animal life on South Island. A group of G.U.N. (Guardian Units of Nations) defenders are taking aim at a flying ship when they are ambushed by buzz bombers. Outgunned, they are saved by The Blue Blur himself, Sonic the Hedgehog. Once Robotnik finds out there is still one Islander left, he shifts his priorities to destroying Sonic. This is however, until he is presented with one of the Chaos Emeralds...

Aside from a few amateur looking shots and lines, I really enjoyed this fan film. It took a twist on the Sonic universe that I haven't seen explored yet and it worked very well. The contrast between the well-known bright and colourful Sonic locales and the darker, urban environment which we are given here sets a darker tone to which I, as a fan was not displeased to see. The story makes sense if you really think back to the original games, which could be seen as sugar-coated for the younger audience, and not shoehorned in or randomly thought up on the spot. The character of Robotnik was near enough spot-on in my opinion. He looked the part (sans the awkward-to-do-in-real-life-'tache), sounded the part, and even created an aura that made him into the evil genius we all love to hate. Getting Jaleel White on board to reclaim his role as the voice of Sonic was a major thumbs up as it rekindled my fondness for the early '90s “Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog” cartoon.

A great idea with lots of easter eggs that I would love to see fleshed out to 90 minutes. - 3 gold rings out of 5

Youtube link --- Blue Core Studios

January 11th - Pitch Perfect (12A)

WARNING: SPOILERS

Me - “Isn't this just Glee the musical?”*

Not me - “Please. Don't insult it.”

I wasn't expecting much going in to this. It sounded as though it was going to be another generic teem musical, but I can safely say I was wrong. Yeah, it follows the usual 'team starts to disband, starts to lose their competitions, but then all kiss and make up and go on to win the (insert sport/activity here) in an awesome fashion and everyone is happy' storyline, but there's still plenty going on. The story focusses on Beca (Anna Kendrick), an aspiring DJ who is a freshman college (Uni for all of us here in the UK). She has no interest in joining any clubs until she is heard singing in the shower by Chloe, a member of the all-girl a capella group, The Bellas. She reluctantly joins, but falls in love with Jesse, a member from their all-male rival group. We see The Bellas get knocked out of the a cappella championship as Aubrey, their controlling lead who is a sucker for tradition, refuses to change up the song set that they use every year but seems to be failing. Beca throws in a little freestyle mid-routine, much to the dismay of Aubrey and the group. SUPER TWIST NO JUTSU! The team that knocked them out is found to have a non-college member, so The Bellas are invited back! Aubrey calls everyone except Beca, who still turns up because Chloe calls her, they all have a big fight, a lot of vomiting happens and Beca becomes their new leader. She shows her mixing and they use that to shake up the finals and eventually win. Never saw that coming...

Sounds like your bog-standard teem flick, right? Well, throw Fat Amy (Rebel Wilson) in the mix and you get something much, much different. Not quite stealing the show, so to speak, but standing out as a major player, Wilson made the film for me. She is obviously the comic relief, and plays it very well. She doesn't follow the norm for a character in a film like this, and makes chuckle-worthy comments and quips throughout, breaking up the tension and drama. Although there is an element of student life and Beca's relationships during the film, the main focus is most definitely the musical numbers. The energy put into the performances is momentous and you can tell that the guys and girls have all either had previous dance training, or have put a lot of work in for this title.

I wasn't disappointed at anything, but at the same time, I wasn't blown away. The acting was solid, the story and characters interesting, and the performances enjoyable. The final 'battle' between The Bellas and the Treblemakers was the climax of the film and most definitely worth the wait, with great renditions of popular songs.

Not a guy film, but still a fun watch. - Three and a half pitch pipes out of five

Trailer --- IMDB

*Only after saying it, I realised that 'Glee the musical' is as redundant as saying ATM machine. Fail.

AAARRRGGGHHH!!!

Attention my loyal followers. It's 5:40am and I have no review for you! Please accept my sincere apologies. Or you know, don't. Maybe start an angry mob with torches and pitchforks and come burn my house down. Y'know. Make a day of it.
I'll be back tomorrow with not one, not three, but TWO reviews for y'all. For realsies.

Love,
Me.

P.S. I think it's about time you got a name. 'Followers' is kinda boring. It also makes me sound like a king. Which I'm OK with, but you might not be. Ideas in the comments!

January 10th - Resident Evil Retribution (15)

Picking up where the last movie left off, and I mean RIGHT where it left off, we begin the final (?) encounter with Alice (Milla Jovovich) in the not-much-to-do-with-the-games-except-for-the-name film about shooting zombie monsters in the face. I've always been a fan of the Resident Evil films, even if they did get 6/10 across the board, and this one is no different. As with most of the previous films, we get introduced to a new team who assist Alice, along with one or two characters from a previous film. This time, we get to see people from all four of the prequels in the same place, but I'll get to that in a bit.

The story follows what we all know, the deadly T-Virus has infected and spread, and Alice is needed to clean it up. However, on this occasion, it's everyones favourite guy-in-a-trenchcoat-who-isn't-Neo, Albert Wesker who is asking for help.

After waking up imprisoned in the Prime Umbrella testing facility, Alice escapes with the help of Wesker and Ada Wong, and the information that the human race is in danger of being wiped out if she doesn't do something about it. She is directed to meet up with a rescue squad of Leon Kennedy, Barry Burton, 2 guys who die too early for me to remember their names and..... wait for it..... Luther West, the dude who survived Afterlife. Who said the black guy always dies first! Along the way we meet old friends Rain and One from the first film, and Carlos from Apocalypse leaving only Ashley and Rebecca needed to catch them all! (I know there are plenty more characters in the RE universe, but I really wanted to make a Pokémon joke, ok?) With the corrupted Jill Valentine hot on their heels and timed explosives set to flood the underwater complex, Alice and co. have to get out, and fast. When they eventually escape after drowning nearly every living and unliving body, we are treated to the most exhilarating fight scene in the quintilogy, if that is even a thing. Alice squares off with Jill, while Rain does what she does best, kicks some ass. After the battle is over, our heroes make their way to the Whitehouse to meet with 'President' Wesker, who shows them the true damage of the T-Virus.....

While not my favourite of the five, Retribution was still fun/exciting/enjoyable to watch. It has all the things that RE film fans want to see: Michelle Rodriguez doing her thang, Milla Jovovich wearing nothing but a sheet of paper and um... er... some other stuff? Probably explosions, zombies, huge gun battles and car chases or something. While the acting was kind of rigid in places and some of the lines seemed forced, I still really enjoyed myself and would happily buy this on DVD if times were not changing to a more digital and less physical entertainment industry. Even with trying to cram as many characters from the games as possible into 90 minutes, I'd be happy to have this in my collection.

After reading the reviews from IMDB, who mostly gave it 1-3/10, I'm sad to say I'm inclined to agree with them. There were plenty of things that were unrealistic, unneeded or corny, but to me, that is what makes the film. If it were true to life, it would be utter poop. Not to mention that entire premise of the franchise is something that doesn’t even exist. Sure there were parts that weren't top notch, but I don't care. As long as I'm immersed in the film, it's all gravy.

One to watch only if you're a fan of the first four. - Two umbrellas out of 5

Trailer 1 --- Trailer 2 --- IMDB

January 9th - The Cottage (2008) (18)

A kidnapping gone wrong turns into a mass murder in an abandoned cottage in the middle of nowhere in this British black comedy horror. That is literally the entire movie summed up in 18 words.

We open with David (Andy Serkis) and his brother Peter (Reece Shearsmith) in a remote cottage with a girl tied up in the boot of their car. Their hostage turns out to be Tracey (Jennifer Ellison), the daughter of a strip club owner, Arnie. Arnie sends his bunglingly stupid son to transport the cash, knowing he is in on the whole thing but has him followed by two henchmen who never really get a chance to do anything useful other than be stereotypical asian assassins. Stuff happens, Tracey gets free taking Peter as HER hostage and they wind up in a creepy farmhouse. While looking for a phone, Peter opens a trapdoor in the kitchen, letting out a mutilated farmer who goes on a rampage and kills everyone. Well. Everyone except Peter. He gets trapped in the cellar with the body of the farmer and a cupboard/shelves combo unit on top of the door.

What disappointed me about this title was the fact that nothing really happened. Sure there was mystery, suspense, gore and a few fight scenes, but other than that, I wasn't really captivated in the way other movies get me. The background of the farmer could have been delved into a little further, or perhaps the club could have been utilised a little more. All I know was that there was definitely something missing that held this film back from becoming pretty damn good.

I'm pretty sure that last part is terrible grammar, but I'm sure you get the point.

What I did enjoy was the fact that it wasn't pretending to be an action-packed blockbuster, or a laugh-out-loud comedy, but something else entirely. The characters didn't seem cheesy, something some movies fail on hard, the 'villain' was believable and the horror was real. The fact that everyone dies in the end was another plus, something I always appreciate in movies like this. I know cliches are there for a reason, but the skinny blonde being the only survivor of a zombie attack isn't very likely when the film starts off with her in a group with muscly guys and peeps who know how to use guns. I'm not saying that skinny blondes can't handle themselves, and not trying to be sexist, but this is something that appears in many films. Also, the 'tough guy' of the film, David, standing no chance against the farmer was another welcome sight. Something else that usually is seen in cinema is that the good guys manage to put up a fight before going down, where in real situations, it's highly unlikely your average Joe could win a fist fight with a 6'4” monster who feels no pain, let alone land a punch.

All in all, a worthwhile film only missing a few things that's worth an hour and a half of your time. -3 ski masks out of 5

Trailer --- IMDB

January 8th - Turn Me On Dammit (15? cert. unknown)

'Turn me on' is the story of Alma (Helen Bergsholm), a 15 year old living in Skoddeheimen, Norway. In a twist from the norm, we see the life of a sexually frustrated girl struggling to live her life, rather than watching from a male perspective. The film is broken up by her fantasies that range from Artur, the boy she believes she is in love with, to practically anyone who happens to be near her. From the offset, we see Alma on the phone to a sex line, with her hand in her underwear doing, well, I'm sure you can guess what [family blog blah blah blah], and realise that we are on for a full on film with no holds barred. While at a party, Artur pokes Alma with his old fella, but later denies it, making Alma look the fool and ostracising her from everyone at school.

As I don't watch a lot of Norwegian cinema, I'm not sure if using unprofessional actors is big, but it certainly worked this time. Doing this gave the whole film an aura of originality, no, REALITY that wouldn't have been able to be accomplished using big names that we are used to seeing. In her first acting credit (according to IMDB), Bergsholm seems perfect. She isn't known and isn't 'Hollywood beautiful' which allows her to claim the role as her own, without the pressure of previous characters and ideals being forced upon her. She, along with about a dozen other main characters do a great job of making the boredom of Skoddeheimen seem real, even though (from what I can find) it is a fictional place. The credit must also go to the director, Jannicke Systad Jacobsen, for using such a bleak backdrop, from the desolate, yet frequently used bus stop to the youth centre, whose outer seating area is reminiscent of something you'd find under a bridge.

I'm not quite sure how to describe this film as it's not something I'm familiar with, but I what I can tell it is that it is a solid watch. - 3 tubes of lip gloss out of 5

Trailer --- IMDB

January 7th - Men in Black 3 (PG)

This is only going to be a short review as I'm REALY tired. Staying up all night in an attempt to get my sleep pattern back to normal may not have been the best idea, but uni's back on tomorrow and I can't do with waking up an 5 hours after I was supposed to get there.

Anywho. The film. I loved the first two thirds of the trilogy and the cartoon wasn't too bad either. The final instalment did not disappoint. The guys and gals in nightly attire are back, once again defending the planet from an alien threat. This time it's a one-armed Boglodite (Jemaine Clements of Flight of the Conchords fame) who breaks out of a special prison on the moon with the help of Nicole Sherzinger to take revenge on Agent K (Tommy Lee Jones). J (Will Smith) Travels back in time to save his partner, while also making an important discovery about his own past.

As with the previous renditions, there are a number of famous celebs listed as being aliens or working for the MIB which add to the surreal entertainment of the film, solidifying it as comedy fiction. With a few new faces, but not enough of the coffee aliens, stellar performances all around, even if Jones' face did look like it had started to melt. Maybe Will Smith should give him some of whatever he's having.

A great end to a great set of films. - 4 pocket watches out of 5

Trailer --- IMDB

January 6th - Masters of Horror: Imprint (18)

When I first watched Ichi the Killer, I thought, How can something this disturbing be so watchable? Even after seeing Imprint, the answer still eludes me, trapped in the mind of Takashi Miike. Some call him a genius, some, a mad man. I'm not sure what I would call him, but whatever it is, it would be a deserving title.

As part of a 13-episode anthology, Imprint starts off following Christopher (Billy Drago), as he travels to 19^th Century Japan to find the prostiture that he fell in love with. With no boats leaving until morning, he accepts shelter in a whore house, where he is told of his love's passing by a disfigured prostitute and inquires into her life. Her dark past is revealed along with the story of Komomo, the woman he was looking for.

Immediately after the opening scene begins, I was reminded of 'In the house, In a Heartbeat' by John Murphy (a piece made famous by 28 days later), an eerie instrumental that compemented the film to a great degree. As I continued to watch, I was amazed at how clean the visuals were for a film set over two centuries ago. I expected it to have a more gritty setting, or at least ambiance, but the crisp visuals allowed me to submerse myself in the story with great ease, as if I was looking through a glass window, only a few feet from the characters. As the story moved on, Miike's directional skills started to show. Torture scenes, abortions and unborn babies coursing downstream are all present, showing why this was the only film of the season to be banned in the US TV release. When we eventually discover the real reason and story (the prostitute had given different accounts up until now) it started turning into a bad 80's horror flick. What I am assuming is an anamatronic hand becomes the focus and ruins the authentic feel, leaving me a little disapointed. Aside from that, the only fault I really found off-putting was the casting of Drago. He didn't have the emotional range to pull off the role he was given, staying too wooden for what was needed. If it were not for him, I would rate this movie higher for sure.

I applaud Miike in his ability to create such a terrifyingly beatutiful piece. One for Miike fans and horror/thriller aficionados alike. - 3.5 jade rings out of 5

Trailer --- IMDB

January 5th - Electrick Children (15)

I found this on a list of “Best 2012 movies, you've never seen” while floating around the interwebs and it was no lie. Not a Hollywood blockbuster in any shape or form, but a great watch nonetheless.

The story follows Rachel, a 15 year old Mormon who gets pregnant from listening to music. Yep. You heard me. She got pregnant. From music. She leaves the community to find the singer whom she believes is the father and a wacky adventure ensues. Think Scooby Doo. You know, preppy boy, hot girl, nerd, stoner, talking dog. Except without any of those. Well, maybe the stoner.

With a cast of Billy Zane and a dozen other people I've never heard of, Julia Garner (Rachel) is the stand-out star. She played the role with a childish sense of wonderment and drew me right in, believing she was actually a Mormon in upbringing and had never been introduced to certain things or experiences. It's hard to act as if you have zero knowledge of a cassette player, but for me, it was totally real.

Buuuuuuuuuuut........

FYI, there's always a but with me.

The scene after she is introduced to the tape deck, she immediately knows how to use it. Maybe I missed something, but that seems a little off.

But I digress. With such a small cast, writer and director Rebecca Thomas has done an amazing job of making the film seem busier than it actually was. The background/surrounding area is ever changing, giving a sense of volume and movement to an otherwise open set. While I don't usually watch dramas, this was definitely worthwhile as it didn't really focus on the boring day-to-day activities that some films highlight too much, but the journey and growth of the main character. Throughout the movie, we see her progression and change in attitude to life, ranging from naive 'prairie girl' to a young woman who has begun to take charge of the road ahead.

Oh yeah. Macaulay Culkin’s kid brother is in it. Not Kieran. Rory. Bet you didn't know there was another one.

A fine film to watch on a Sunday afternoon. - 3 blue cassettes out of 5

Trailer --- IMDB